PTS Doldrums?

It's been seven days since my last post.

As Jackson Brown sang, I feel a tad like I'm "Runnin' on Empty." (Ear worms are no extra charge here.)

It's been a tough four months. Evie had her ruptured colon, emergency surgery, peritonitis events in the middle of March during which she told me that she was about to stop trying to fight for recovery.

Then mom tested positive for COVID-19 and died slowly and, from what we can tell, agonizingly, though none of us were able to visit her for the last two months.

Mom died May 4.

And, most recently, Evie had the double surgery, which she really wanted to have, and which two surgeons were willing to perform, but was not absolutely necessary.

Evie was fatigued and weak before the surgery. She survived it, obviously, but she continues to be fatigued and weak. She's alive, and looks very good most days, but the road back to normal is going to be a long one.

These days, we're working on mom's estate. Mom had a very good attorney who specializes in Elder Law, and that's a good thing. Mom didn't have a large estate by the end. Most of the money went to the home, and we have no complaints. Except for allowing her to be infected by COVID...early on, when no one really knew what we were dealing with, she received wonderful care for many years...and was treated with compassion to the end.

It's been, as I said, a tough four months.

This has been a little too much for me. I'm deep down tired, in every way.

I recall that Paul said, in 2 Corinthians, in the face of much more adversity than I am facing, "...when I am weak, then I am strong."

And, I lean on that truth. Any strength I'll have in the near future will be His. In a way, I'm thankful for the reminder that He'll do it when I can't...if I trust and, well, obey.

Still, for the moment, I'm not finding the joy in Him that levels me out emotionally and spiritually.

I'm normally able to look at CGGC people walking the same path they've been on for 90ish years and see it with God's mercy, grace and forgiveness in mind,...but not now.

I'm normally able to look at the folly of the high holders of institutional authority in terms of the blessing that would be ours if we walk in the Spirit and walk our talk that the Bible is "our only rule of faith and practice." When I can keep His mercy, grace and forgiveness in mind, I'm able to see the potential for a bright future and say, sincerely, and with integrity,

...we must repent. 

At the moment, the tank's so empty that I can't say those three words with integrity.

I can quote, "I am about to spit you out of my mouth." (Rev. 3:16)  Sometimes, I want to.

But, I don't want to believe that's true. I don't believe it's true.

Hopefully, as I surrender my weakness to Him, I'll find His strength.

And, honestly, there's a (small) part of me that is happy for this dryness...this trial.

I see Evie smile and hear her laugh every day, even if my smiles and my laughter come rarely.

I know I have much to thank Him for.